This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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