Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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