My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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