Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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