I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize