The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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