dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize