I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
