The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize