all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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