im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
