you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it's like heaven, but drunker
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
