I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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