so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
