I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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