please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
