I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
