bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize