Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
