I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
