I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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