I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
