I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
