I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
