Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
