I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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