And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Randomize
