I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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