It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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