Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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