Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
