Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
