Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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