I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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