wrigley field is MILF paradise
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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