So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My penis needs a shock collar
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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