so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You have to summon your inner elephant
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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