Umm I'm too high to move.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
