she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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