The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need water and some morals
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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