he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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