I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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