I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize