Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
