Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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