Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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