life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just high enough for therapy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
