Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
