I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
