1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
