The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
