I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize