I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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