I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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