My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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