All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my being single is dangerous.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
