I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
