I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We talked him into tasing himself.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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