this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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