On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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