Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize