a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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