I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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