I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
