You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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