i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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