Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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